Lisa D. (chaoticidealism) wrote,
Lisa D.

What the Shrink Really Means

Annoyed by all the psychobabble you hear when your autistic super-hearing picks up the stuff the shrinks don't want you to hear? Need a translation? Well, look no further, curious eavesdroppers; I can provide the enlightenment you seek. Having been a student of psychobabble for six years now, including an intensive residential course, my qualifications as an interpreter are impeccable.

(The following is to be taken as sarcastic, somewhat cynical humor. I actually have a counselor who is quite helpful to me, and hate psychologists only as much as they look down on me. Trust me, the bad ones deserve to be made fun of. Unfortunately, the good ones are usually booked until March of 2024. I've seen psychologists both for depression and for autism, so that puts me in the position of having seen them both for a neurological disability and for a mental illness.)

When they say...They really mean...
BorderlineAnnoying female patient
Antisocial PersonalityAnnoying male patient
Patient is isolating him/herselfPatient is trying to get away from the grabby stalker in the dayroom.
noncompliant with treatmentPatient dared to utter the word "why".
manipulativeShe asked us to do something! How dare she!
hypochondriacKnows more about the diagnosis than I do.
violentYelled at somebody.
ObsessiveKeeps room neat.
DisorganizedDoesn't keep room neat.
noncompliant with medicationWouldn't listen to us when we said the crippling side effects "will probably go away in a few months", possibly sometime around the point when the medication starts actually working. Because we never prescribe the wrong medication.
Out of controlCried in public.
Anxiety DisorderRepetitively taps fingers and rubs hands together (because there's no other reason why anybody would do that)
Speaks quickly (because there's no other reason why anybody would do that).
Is an introvert who has just been plucked out of a comfortable environment and given absolutely no privacy for several days.
(Actually, if they say "anxious", just assume they ran out of other things to say and picked it as default.)
Lack of Social ReciprocityAvoids cliques and prefers not to stare at people's eyeballs.
"Appropriate Behavior"What I would do in this situation.
In denialDoesn't agree with the diagnosis I've labeled him with.
High-FunctioningSeems smart because he doesn't remind me of the non-disabled actor I saw playing a disabled guy on TV the other day. Any deficits he has are minor and therefore can be ignored by telling him to "work harder". Can never have any of the traits I have assigned to "low-functioning" people.
Low-FunctioningDoesn't seem smart because he doesn't remind me of the non-genius actor I saw playing a genius on TV the other day. Any abilities are just "savant skills", so they aren't real or useful. Can never have any of the traits I have assigned to "high-functioning" people.
EvaluationLet's throw a bunch of tests at the patient and see how long it takes for them to REALLY go nuts.
Career TrainingSo, which do you want: To pick up trash, wash dishes, or sweep floors? Oh, wait, you're not capable of making choices. Don't worry, we'll assign you.
Disability IncomeWe just call it that because it's no longer politically correct to call it "throwing coins to a beggar".
AccommodationsForcing normal people to go out of their way to help defective ones. To be avoided because accommodations cost way too much, especially the ones that don't cost anything.
PsychiatristA person whose job it is throw chemicals at people until something makes them less annoying to their caretakers.
PsychologistA person whose job it is to sit and look very intellectual while doing absolutely nothing.
Social WorkerA person whose job it is to explain to you why you cannot do what you would like to do, and why you should just take this nice job they found picking up trash, washing dishes, or sweeping floors.
NeurodiversityA form of psychosis.
PsychoticPatient told us he heard voices. We failed to ask whether he still heard them when no one was talking to him.
DelusionalPatient mentioned that he didn't think his diagnosis meant there was anything wrong with him.
MainstreamingAn excuse to stop providing needed services.
Segregated ClassroomAn excuse to stop teaching useful subjects in exchange for gluing macaroni to construction paper.
Attention Deficit DisorderAnnoying child.
GiftedAnnoying child who should know better.
Twice ExceptionalYou don't fit our currently established stereotypes, so we have no idea what to do with you. Have your parents considered home-schooling?
Disability RightsYou've got your handicapped parking spaces. What more do you want?
PDD-NOSI'm afraid of the word "autism".
Asperger'sTalks too much to fit my stereotype of "autism".
Danger to Self or OthersCaused superficial injury to self or others. No, really, she bit me! It was totally irrational; I was only trying to pin her down to the floor for an hour or so.
Non-verbalCan't communicate and therefore must be "managed".
VerbalI heard you say something the other day. Therefore, you must be refusing to speak now.
PerseverationI wouldn't keep doing that for so long. Therefore, no one else should.
EcholaliaBecause using someone else's words is never true communication.
StereotypyYour rocking looks odd and must be extinguished.
...I'm tapping my foot? What does that have to do with it?
Atypical DevelopmentHasn't read the baby books.
Developmental DelayI'm too politically correct to say "mental retardation". Plus, your mom might beat me with her purse.
Restricted InterestsI wouldn't be interested in that. You shouldn't be, either.
CuredAfter six years of intensive therapy, has learned to speak and not flap his hands. Mother gives credit to the detoxifying foot pads.
DyspraxicAre you sure you aren't drunk?
DepressedLow mood that has nothing to do with constantly being belittled and told you'll never amount to anything.
CrazyA word we tell patients not to use about themselves, while we say the phrase "mental illness" with the exact same tone of voice.
AutisticNot like me.

Just a Note--Do I really hate shrinks? No. Not really. I'm voluntarily seeing one right now; and I think they can be useful. But, when psychology goes wrong, it goes very, very wrong. Give an unethical person that degree of power over someone else, and it will cause a great deal of pain. iweb stats
Tags: psychology
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