Entry tags:

emotions, psychology, self-injury

So you're a self-injurer? Don't freak out.
OK, so I'm a self-injurer--mostly recovered, now. Automatically people will gasp and shudder when they hear that, but, tell you the truth, it isn't as "bad" as people think it is; it's just socially unacceptable, dangerous in a minor way, and an ineffective way to cope with emotional problems.

I used to cut myself; I started when I was in my early teens; recently, I've stopped doing that. I still bang my hands into things, or bite myself, or pull at my hair. But those other things almost never break my skin or leave more than a fading red mark; they're hardly self-injury at all. And now I know how to predict when I'll feel so overwhelmed by the world; and I'm able to withdraw into my quiet, comfortable room (and maybe even under my nice, heavy blanket) and curl into a very small ball, and feel safe. Knowing I'm autistic has helped me to understand that aspect of myself a great deal more.

The problem with self-injury, especially cutting, is that it is very seen in a very bad light, except in very specific cultures--it might be accepted among "goths", or, if it is decorative, among people who are into body modification, or among people for whom it has cultural significance.

Here's why cutting is socially unacceptable:

We are all born with a huge instinct for self-preservation. People do amazing things when their lives are in danger; look at any account of people who have survived things like fires, or being trapped in the wilderness, or plane crashes... Human beings are very, very motivated to survive.

The very strange thing is that when I cut myself, banged my head and arms against things, and scratched and bit myself, it was because it was a last-ditch effort to survive. But other people didn't understand that.

There's a visceral reaction that people have when they see someone else with an injury--a psychological sympathy-pain reaction, I suppose. Whenever I see someone else with an injury, I know I kind of cringe in sympathetic pain... I don't know if you feel it the same way, but there's always a sort of knot in my stomach when I see someone else has been injured.

The second reason is that people see anyone who hurts themselves deliberately as mentally ill, and that there is a huge stigma associated with mental illness.

Because cutting is so "dramatic", and people can't imagine themselves doing it, they often think that it is much more severe than it actually is, or that it is a suicide attempt. In reality, superficial self-injury is usually an indicator of a relatively common mental illness like depression or autism--both of which I have, the depression, severe (but now in remission) and the autism, mild and permanent.

People are afraid of those with mental illnesses. There are a lot of reasons for that:

• Horror movies have a lot of villains who are psychopaths or otherwise insane... Despite that a murderer or other violent criminal is very likely to be perfectly sane, people associate mental illness with violence.
• The stereotypical mental illness--schizophrenia--is also one of the worst.
• People are often afraid that they will "catch" your mental illness.
• There's a certain social code that people follow. Whatever language you speak, that's only about half your communication to other people. The other half is nonverbal... gestures, clothes, the way you walk, your posture. People with mental illnesses (or PDDs like autism) often don't follow these unwritten codes; and people who see them don't "speak" the same nonverbal language. Therefore, people will often ostracize those with very mild problems... just because they can't predict their nonverbal actions.
• People are afraid of what they don't know and can't predict. Prejudice against the unfamiliar--whether it's a different culture, or a different religion, or even a different hobby or career--is very common. And those with mental illnesses, even common ones like depression or PTSD, are different in a fundamental way. Our brains define us.

When people see my scars, they know I have broken a taboo: The unwritten rule that one must always act to protect one's physical health. That rule is imprinted on the instincts of human beings.

The reason I broke that rule is because I knew that, with my limited options, I might hurt myself worse--even fatally--if I didn't hurt myself superficially. It's like getting a splinter out of your skin, so it doesn't get infected... It hurts, but it'd hurt a lot worse if you didn't.

When I felt like everything was too overwhelming, too unpredictable, or even too loud, noisy, messy, smelly, and bright... That was when I used self-injury.

Because I had limited options, I chose to hurt myself in a small way to avoid big pain. Now that I have more options, mentally and emotionally, to deal with emotional overload, I no longer need such a drastic coping strategy. Cutting really doesn't work all that well, anyway; so once you find a better way to deal with life, why go back?

But people don't understand that people who cut themselves felt they hadn't any other options. They jump to the conclusion that the only reason someone would want to hurt themselves would be to commit suicide or because they were mentally unstable and thus likely to hurt others and not only themselves. And they are afraid of anyone who would break such a taboo.

A third reason that people might look down on someone who cuts is that they believe they are doing it for 'attention'. This is sometimes true; but only occasionally. Usually, when the person does it "for attention", they need the attention!--Because someone desperate enough to hurt themselves and make it obvious that they have done so, is pretty desperate for help. "Just looking for attention" usually means there's something wrong, not that the person should be ignored and belittled.

But most of the time, a cutter is not "doing it for attention". I hid my own habit for ten years... If they are hiding the cuts, they aren't looking for attention--though sometimes they might subconsciously want help, and forget to hide a cut, or not hide it well enough.

Some people are just afraid of blood... for them, it's a phobic reaction.

All in all, the reaction to cutting is much greater than the habit warrants. Cutting is much less dangerous than drugs, smoking, unprotected sex, or even not using your seat belt... yet it gets a much more emotional reaction because it's "not normal".

People are simply afraid of what they can't predict and don't understand.